“How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.”
– Annie Dillard, The Writing Life
While I was in graduate school, we were coincidentally in the same city for two years at the same university. It was a happy coincidence, and we planned to meet up after I had gotten settled in. We’d see each other in passing and message each other, but life continually got in the way. First getting settled in, then classes, being an assistant in a lab, my internship, along with her life and exploring a new city.
Then she suddenly passed away. I felt numb as I made the call to mutual friends to let them know, and I still remember meeting her family and other friends as we celebrated her life together.
I remembered how excited I had been to catch up – and then, the ache I felt at letting it slip away. I had made the biggest mistake of all: believing the chances and opportunities in life were infinite, and leaving our friendship for “later.”
The Siren Call of “Later”
Leaving it for “later” lets me feel like I can have my cake and eat it too. Yes, I can do one thing today, but the other thing that I didn’t do, I didn’t give it up completely – it’s coming later, it’s just around the corner, it’s just been put off for a little while.
Missing one chance to get together does not feel like losing a friendship, skipping one call does not feel like you’re slowly losing touch, and after all, what’s just one week? But when you add them all up, the difference is rather than seeing each other frequently – we ended up seeing each other not at all.
What I Try To Notice Now
I do not think the answer is to treat everything as urgent. That would just create a different problem. There are seasons where I really cannot make time for something, and there are also things I keep saying matter to me while never actually making room for them.
So when I catch myself saying “later,” I try to pause and ask: does this actually matter to me? If it does, then I try to make some real space for it – send the message, put something on the calendar, make the call.
And if it does not matter in this season of my life, that is okay too. I just want to understand the tradeoff I am making, because later is not a guarantee. Sometimes later really is just later. And sometimes later quietly becomes never.