While we all have different notions about what defines success and happiness, some common beliefs permeate our culture.  One such belief is the ideal of the American Dream:

The American Dream is belief in the freedom that allows all citizens and residents of the United States to achieve their goals in life through hard work. Today, it often refers to one’s material prosperity…
– Wikipedia, American Dream (emphasis mine)

Society promotes the American Dream as an ideal to aspire to – the type of life that we want to live, and the type of life we wish for our children.

Let’s take a step back and ask:  Will such a life of achieving one’s goals and material prosperity ultimately make us happy?

The Disconnect – Achievement and Material Possessions Do Not Make Us Happy

Sadly, the studies don’t appear to bear this out.  While it is true that raising someone from poverty to a certain level of material wealth increases happiness, the American Dream may not lead to long term happiness.  Consider what Tim Kasser writes:

Existing scientific research on the value of materialism yields clear and consistent findings. People who are highly focused on materialistic values have lower personal well-being and psychological health than those who believe that materialistic pursuits are relatively unimportant. These relationships have been documented in samples of people ranging from the wealthy to the poor, from teenagers to the elderly, and from Australians to South Koreans. [Page 22] […]

Almost everyone believes that getting what you want makes you feel good about yourself and your life. Common wisdom…says that if we reach our goals, our self esteem and satisfaction with life should consequently rise… [H]owever, people who are wildly successful in their attempts to attain money and status often remain unfulfilled once they have reached their goal. […]

We  may want a raise, a new car, or greater status… Yet evidence suggests that, beyond having enough money to meet our basic needs for food, shelter, and the like, attaining wealth, possessions, and status does not yield long-term increases in our happiness or well-bring.  Even the successful pursuit of materialistic ideals typically turns out to be empty and unsatisfying. [Page 43] – Tim Kasser, The High Price of Materialism (emphasis mine)

What Then, Does Buy Happiness?

What if I told you that one of the keys to our happiness is not to continue improving our own lives:  but rather, to make a difference in the lives of others?

This may sound counter intuitive – and that’s ok, because in our culture, it is.  As Dan Gilbert, the author of Stumbling On Happiness says:

When people give of themselves to others, and are recognized for it, they experience lots of happiness and increase in self-esteem.

Interestingly, though, we’ve just done a study that shows that when people are offered the opportunity to do something selfish or something altruistic, they take the selfish option by and large. Culture has told them this is what they should do to be happy, but if you force them to take the altruistic option, they’re much happier.

Altruism is a thing you might resist kicking and screaming—“I want to keep my money; I don’t want to give it away”—but if you give it away, it will probably make you happier than most of the things you could spend it on.
– Daniel Gilbert, interview for Shambhala Sun (emphasis mine)

Not Convinced? Further Keys to Happiness – Including Altruism

Still unsure about what makes us happy? Consider this presentation by Martin Seligman delivered at TED.  At the eighteen minute mark he specifically mentions altruism as a key to happiness:  when we do something fun, our happiness is fleeting, but when we are philanthropic, and help another person, that happiness lasts.

The series of various interventions you can embark on to increase your own happiness are at about the fifteen and a half minute mark.  The entire presentation is wonderful, and well worth a watch if you’ve got twenty five minutes to spare.

PS – Another Presentation on Happiness, By Dan Gilbert

I first heard of Dan Gilbert through a fascinating talk he gave at TED, entitled “Why are we happy?”

I have watched the entire presentation three or four times with various friends, and we’ve always loved it.  Enjoy!

In Dynasty mode, you coach a college football program through multiple seasons and you can only improve your team long term by mastering the recruitment process.

NCAA Football 09 Dynasty Mode Recruitment Rules

The relevant rules for recruitment:

• Recruit enough players to play each position, or you will have to choose a walk-on from your college class
• You have 25 scholarships to hand out and 35 slots on your recruitment board
• You have  10 “hours” a week to recruit (in real life, this takes about 3 minutes).
• The computer will spend any leftover time recruiting players on your behalf
• Players will rank aspects of each school based on how good they perceive it to be and how important it is to them. Their perceptions will affect how easy/hard it is to recruit that particular player.

Life Lessons – Goal Setting, Prioritizing, and Persistence

As I got better at NCAA Football 09, I’ve noticed that my strategy based on the various rules hold broader lessons for my life.

Lesson #1:  If you don’t go after what you want, you won’t get it. Spend your time chasing what you really want.

Example:  Automatic CPU Recruitment – The first season I played, I didn’t want to do any recruiting.  I spent none of my 10 hours per week, the CPU automatically recruited for me.  At the end of the year I looked at my new players and what did I have? Garbage.  The players were terrible and the computer didn’t pay any attention to how the players would fare in my lineup down the road.

Real Life: Life happens to all of us sixty seconds at a time, whether we are ready for it or not. Make the most of your time, and make sure you choose how you spend it – going after what you desire, or you’ll just get the scraps that happen to fall your way.  I’m reminded of this quote:

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” – Steve Jobs (emphasis mine)

Lesson #2: Recruit and fill the roles you must with what you want, or they will be filled for you.

Example:  Walk Ons –  After I stopped letting the CPU control my recruitment, I recruited for everything but one particular position: center. I ignored it  and had a walk-on fill the gap. This turned out to be a disaster. While the average player on my team was a 65 or 70 (on a scale from 40-100), my walk-on was in the high 40s and useless. 

Real Life: I have always tried very hard to find jobs and companies that challenge me and that further my career.  If I hadn’t made a conscious decision to do this, I am sure I would have taken any job that came my way that paid the bills.  I also try to surround myself with friends who are intelligent, interested in fitness and health, and successful – if I don’t make a conscious effort to surround myself with quality people, I’ll just take whoever I can get.  Every day we can make a choice: do we fill our lives with what we want, or will we just accept whatever life provides us?

Lesson #3: Play to your strengths – know what you are good at, and where your advantage lies.

Example:  Recruiting Players: Their Priorities versus My Program – I noticed that some of the players I recruited were a better fit than others (e.g., my Athletic Facilities were Excellent, and it was their Most important criteria).  These player were an easy sale and generally ended up signing with me.  For other players, their athletic facilities interest might be “Average” – they were interested, but it wasn’t their top criteria, no matter how good my facilities were.  These were much tougher sells, and occasionally I could swing them, but it wasn’t easy.

Real Life: I’ve learned that I have an easier time achieving goals and getting things that are in line with my strengths. I experienced this firsthand when trying to get my first real job.  When I finished college, I wanted to develop software.  My strongest competency was Java development, but I was hungry to develop any software database work, software in other languages (C++, Python, Perl).  I was pretty good all around, but I had a hard time convincing managers to hire me – they always found someone that was better than me for that specific position, with the specific skills they wanted.  I finally landed a job at DirecTV, and developed other skills, but furthered my Java software development skills.  My next two jobs since then?  Both heavily Java based, and both relatively easy to get.

Lesson #4: Just because you can chase a large number of opportunities doesn’t mean you should.

Example:  Recruitment Board Slots – When I started recruiting, I noticed I had 35 slots.  I immediately filled all 35 with players I wanted and tried to recruit as many of them as I could. With only 10 hours a week, however, I was spending less than 20 minutes a week on each player.  I would later learn that realistically, it takes between 1 and 2 hours a week consistently to recruit a quality player.  Unable to spend a sufficient amount of time on any of the players, you can guess what happened – I often didn’t get most of them.  I had to prioritize, and as I’ve gotten better, I now typically only recruit about 8-10 quality players a year at any given time.

Real Life: We can do anything we want in life, but we can’t do everything we want all at once.  I used to have a large todo list – not anymore. Since implementing the system outlined in Getting Things Done, I now have a “Someday” bucket.  While I have many items on the backburner, at any given time I keep my commitments and priorities to the most essential – everything else, I let it slide.

Lesson #5: It won’t come easy, but if you set your mind to it, you can usually get what you truly desire.

Example:  Recruiting Poorly Matched, But Desired Players – Sometimes, all I want is a good quarterback – but there are no quality quarterbacks available that want to play for me. I learned that while I couldn’t recruit the one quarterback I wanted with just an hour every week, I could if I spent 2-3 hours a week.  One year I spent one third of my whole season’s recruiting time, every week, on a single player – a running back that was faster than anybody else.  My persistence paid off, and the last week of the season, he finally signed on.  He was the cornerstone of my team for the next four years.

Real Life: If you want it bad enough, sure you can have it – but you need to put in the effort- and perhaps make some sacrifices.  My freshmen year in college I was skinny and tired of it.  I am an ectomorph (translation: people with my body have difficulty gaining large amounts of muscle), but in spite of the disadvantage I started out with, I wanted to improve my physical appearance and bulk up.  I made my workouts a priority (including the days of final exams), ate lots of food, drank 6-8 glasses of chocolate milk a day and slept 8-10 hours a night consistently.   My commitment paid off, as I gained more muscle, about 40 lbs, in a shorter time frame than I ever have since.

Lesson #6: It ain’t over till it’s over.

Example:  Recruiting Players That Have Already “Committed” – In NCAA 09, there are two types of commits – a soft commit and a hard commit.  A hard commit means the player has signed and there’s no turning back – he’s playing for your team.  A soft commit on the other hand signals that a player has made up his mind, and is about to commit to a team – but there’s still a chance they can change their mind.  Whenever a player has a soft commit to another team, if I really want them, I recruit them hard that week. If they stay as a soft commit, I keep hammering on them – and about half the time, I can swing them to a soft commit to me, and then a hard commit to me.

Real Life: It’s almost never really over, and a client/hiring manager/etc saying no is only a temporary setback – the equivalent a soft commit.  As an undergraduate in college, I wanted to run for student government. I inquired in September, but they told me elections are held at the end of each school year, in April/May, and to come back next year.  One day I noticed they had put a small sign in the window about special elections. I learned that because some senators had dropped out, I could run for office and complete their term. I won, entered the senate, and had the opportunity to serve a year longer than I would have if I had just thrown in the towel the first time they told me no.

Life Lessons from Unusual Places

Some of the ways I often learn things is through books, my favorite blogs and of course my parents – the older I get, the smarter they are!  Just like this example though, I’m sure many of you have learned things in non-traditional areas, that have carried broader lessons in your life.

What video games do you enjoy?  Are there unusual ways/places/experiences that have shaped your life?  Or any life lessons you’ve learned from people in your life you’d like to share?  I’d love to hear from you in the comments.

Sid weighed his options, made his decision, and lived with the fall out.

A Difficult Situation – Weighing The Options

As the deadline loomed, the software development team, (consisting  entirely of Sid) discovered themselves hopelessly behind schedule.  They were unable to work through implementation as quick as they had hoped, and at this rate the deadline was going to get the better of them.  Tradeoffs needed to be made, long hours and additional developers were considered: everything was on the table.  Sid thus considered his options:

1. Get It Done At All Costs.  In this scenario, Sid would work through the issues, forgoing hours of sleep, time with his friends, and likely hampering his other goals.  It’s a strategy that has been used successfully in the past, and a perennial crowd favorite.  Everyone loves a good war story, where the hero works on the beta software right up until the last minute and the demonstration is pulled off successfully.  The option of choice sure to elicit toasts, pats on the back, and “back in my day” stories for years to come.
2. Present it Half Finished.  Work through some of the problems, and present a lame demo of a half-completed project.  To compensate for the lack of functionality, slick powerpoint presentations, bullet points and talking around the issues will be used to distract the audience.  Generally the fall back plan after #1 has fallen through.  Given the current state of affairs, as much as #1 would be preferable, this option had to be considered as a likely scenario.  Nobody likes a lame demo, especially the people giving it.
3. Just Let It Go.  The unthinkable:  admit temporary defeat, cancel his commitment, and continue life as normal. This would be difficult for someone as accomplished and unaccustomed to failure as Sid, and truly a measure of last resort.

The Decision Is Made – and The Fallout

After careful consideration, Sid decided to Just Let It Go.  He emailed the organizer, Ryan Ozawa, and told him he wouldn’t be able to demo anything, but would still attend Manoa Geeks.  Friends, history shall judge whether it was the right time to withdraw.  Ryan swiftly rendered this stern judgment (reprinted in its entirety):

Aloha e Sid,

Bummer! But it’s most important that you be there!  See you then.

Ryan

Aloha e Sid, indeed. (loosely translated aloha means any number of things:  hello, love, welcome, goodbye)

The Demo Is Scrapped – Yet Somehow, The World Goes On

Manoa Geeks was yesterday evening, and from all appearances, the lack of Sid’s demo presented little consequence, save for perhaps making a liar out of Ryan on Twitter.   The sponsor, ILovePhotos showcased a development build of their application that has been getting fantastic reviews around the web, and put on a great event.  The free pizza and company were excellent, and Ryan’s planning, if anything, was easier with one less demonstration to account for.

The lesson?  Sometimes we make commitments we can’t live up to, and we need to just let it go.  Drop the ball once in a while.   It’s ok:  I, and Ryan, give you permission.

Aloha e friends.

PS – This shouldn’t be misconstrued as carte blanche to just let everything fall apart.  Back out of your commitments too often without reason and you risk coming off as flaky, and someone who cannot keep their word.  From time to time however, we all have setbacks, bad days, or simply overcommit.  Relax, and just let it go.

“Easy question” I thought to myself, as my fingers flew to the keyboard and I rattled off 10 books, then 20.  I could have gone on, but I stopped.

More Items Does Not Make the List Better

I took a step back, and realized that my reader didn’t need yet another long lists of books – there are plenty of those online, and if you want an endless list of reading material, check out this list of all the self improvement products at Amazon (1,140 at last count).

No – she was asking for my help, to sort through it all. The more items I gave her, the less helpful I would be.  

A better approach would be to give her a list that provided the best value – a list of the best personal development books, and the shorter better.  

This was a much more difficult problem. After much reflection, here is my list.

The Best Personal Development Books Reading List – A Practical, Short List

Let’s get right to it – I’ll lay out the list for you, and then explain each of my choices.

1. The Greatest Salesman in the World by Og Mandino
2. How To Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie
3. Getting Things Done (GTD) by David Allen

The Best Personal Development Books Reading List Explained

The Greatest Salesman in the World

This book is the perfect place to begin. The “scrolls” (self affirmations/positive self talk) at  the end are what make this book worthwhile.  As recommended, I read each one to myself 3 times a day for a month.  I now read them at least once a day and alternate the scrolls each week.  The main purposes of this book are to:

1. Instill the discipline to stick to the process daily.  
2. Provide a starting point for future personal development with broadly applicable lessons.  
3. Show tangible results. 

How To Win Friends and Influence People

Once the you’ve had a taste of personal development, and developed the habit of committing to it daily by following The Greatest Salesman in the World, it’s time to start working on interpersonal skills, for a few reasons. The primary things I gained from this book are:

1. Effective Conflict Resolution
2. Breaking down social interactions into patterns
3. Leadership Training

Getting Things Done (GTD)

GTD will not provide you more time to do things, but it will keep all the machinery focused and moving forward.   The main results gained from Getting Things Done are:

1. Clearing your head so you can focus
2. Never lose anything again
3. Know that you are doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing

For $60 I managed to free up 10 hours every week!

Imagine what you could do with just one of your long term goals with 10 hours a week.

• How about time to exercise? 
• More time to spend with people you care about?
• Or if you’re working too hard – maybe even just catching up on sleep!

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let me explain to you not just how I freed up 10 hours a week – but also the thought process for how I got here

Where Was My Time Going?

To find out where my time was going, I painstaking logged everything I did for a month – from the time I woke up, to the time I went to bed.

  And I discovered I was spending lots of time:

1. Cooking
2. Washing dishes – especially hand-wash items
3. Shopping – including grocery shopping
4. Driving out to get take out

All told, these tasks took anywhere from 9-15 hours a week, for an average of 12 hours a week. 

That was simply too much time. Sometimes I do enjoy cooking or getting take out – but wouldn’t it be nice to not have to do it every week?

How Could I Save Time?

I thought through a few different alternatives:

1. Eat out for every meal – Pros: Very convenient! Cons: Expensive, Not Always Healthy, Time Consuming
2. Ordering in bulk for take out – Pros: Relatively inexpensive. Cons: Not Always Healthy, Lack Variety
3. Hire someone to cook for me – Pros: Variety, Healthy, Possibly Inexpensive. Cons: Perhaps More Expensive, Need To Hire Someone.

I decided on option 3: hire someone to cook for me.. My reasoning was hopefully I could find someone who would come to my home to cook, and could even do dishes, laundry, and other general chores.

Time To Find a Cook

Having chosen my plan of action, I went to Craig’s List and researched full time chef/cooking jobs.

I learned the average wages paid were $9-14 an hour. 

Based on this, I decided I would hire someone twice a week for 2 hours at a time, and pay $15 an hour, plus costs for ingredients.  I posted an ad detailing the position on Thursday night, fell asleep and expected to wake up with a handful of applicants. 

After all, how many prospective cooks could there be who needed a few hours of sporadic work each week?

Well, it turns out .. quite a few!

When I woke up I had over 30 emails already.

By the time I finally took the ad down (posted in “gigs”) later that weekend, I had received over 70 applicants. 

I was stunned.

We Have a Winner!

After corresponding back and forth with a few of them over the weekend, I finally settled on one who I’ll call “Casey”. 

Casey proposed that she would cook additional food at home when she was preparing meals for her family and bring them by my apartment twice a week.

I no longer cared about the dishes or other chores – if she was able to cook at home and deliver the food directly, that was even better!

She suggested a menu with various healthy meals she would prepare for the first couple weeks, and was flexible on the drop off time to meet my schedule.

Casey was organized, and clearly understood exactly what I was looking for: simplifying my life.   We had a winner!

The Results

This was a fantastic experiment. Outsourcing experiments don’t always work out – but this one certainly did.  Just a handful of the benefits included:

• Never having to go out shopping “just for groceries” anymore
• The first time in years I had fruits and vegetables fresh from the farmers market. 
• Eating healthier and cheaper than if I was eating out at restaurants.
• Best of all – it freed up over 10 hours a week that I didn’t have before.

The bottom line –  outsourcing doesn’t always have to be complicated, work related, or involve international virtual assistants.  Hiring locally for personal outsourcing can pay off as well – and free up time to do things you love.