“Advice is like snow; the softer it falls, the longer it dwells upon, and the deeper it sinks into the mind.”
Samuel Taylor Coleridge
Criticism can be hard to receive, even when it is useful.
Part of the difficulty is that criticism and insult can feel similar in the first few seconds. Both can make us defensive, both can make us want to explain ourselves, and both can shift our attention from understanding the point to protecting our pride.
In work, useful criticism is often not the loudest or most dramatic feedback. It is the specific observation that shows me something I could not quite see from where I was standing.
The most valuable feedback is not always about something we already know. Often it is about a blind spot: something visible to other people but not yet visible to us.
A blind spot is not obvious from the place where I am standing.
That is also why criticism can feel so personal. If I already agreed with it, it probably would not sting as much. The hard part is that the other person may be naming something before I have a clean story for it myself.
I do a weekly survey with my team. It is optional, but I usually get a few pieces of feedback each week, and it often gives us useful topics for 1:1s.
I know it takes effort to fill it out, and it takes even more effort to say something critical to your manager. So when someone offers critical feedback, I try to treat it as valuable before I decide whether I agree with it.
That does not mean everything changes because someone is unhappy. A project may have been canceled, and that may still be the right decision. A priority may have shifted, and the tradeoff may still stand.
But if the feedback is about how I communicated the decision, how I handled the conversation, or where someone felt surprised or dismissed, that is something I can learn from.
When I receive criticism, I try to separate two questions:
The first question is natural. I do not think there is much point pretending feedback never stings, but the second question is the one I do not want to skip.
Feedback may sting, but contain valuable, actionable insights.
Even if the criticism is only partly right, there may still be a signal worth keeping. Maybe the conclusion is wrong, but the perception is real. Maybe the person misunderstood my intent, but their misunderstanding tells me something about how my actions landed.
One mental reframe I have found useful is to treat good-faith criticism as support.
If someone is taking the risk to tell me something uncomfortable, they may be trying to help me succeed.
That does not mean every criticism is correct, and it does not mean accepting unfair feedback without judgment. It simply means I try not to throw away useful information because it arrived with discomfort attached.
I do not have to agree with all of it immediately, and I do not have to act on all of it. But I do want to pause long enough to ask whether there is something in it that could help me become easier to work with, clearer to understand, or better at the job I am trying to do.
]]>“Learn to say ‘no’ to the good so you can say ‘yes’ to the best.”
John C. MaxwellOne thousand, four hundred and forty minutes from now another day of your life will be over.
The question is not how much life you have left.
My question to you today is: how many of those 1440 minutes are going to matter?
And how many of them will you waste on things you do not want to do, and do not need to do?
Your life matters.
Your time matters.
And if your commitment “bucket” is overflowing to the point where you cannot do what matters to you – you need to empty it. There are only two ways to do this. You either have to:
Breaking a commitment is very difficult – but nobody likes turning down commitments either when they know it will hurt other people’s feelings.
And don’t I know it – I used to be tremendously overcommitted.
However, today I shall share with you my genuine, and very successful method of saying “No” without (hopefully!) souring a relationship: The Empathy Sandwich.
It occurred to me there had to be a better way than bluntly saying no to people. I was turning it over in my head when I remembered a strategy I used for delivering criticism: the criticism sandwich.
The basic premise of a criticism sandwich is that to make criticism easier to swallow, you “sandwich” it between two pieces of praise.
I figured if it’s good enough for criticism, maybe it’s good enough for turning down commitments as well.
Saying no lands better when the empathy is real.
The empathy sandwich formula is simple enough:
Empathy Sandwich = Empathize + Decline + Empathize Again
Them: “Sid I’m swamped this weekend, do you think you can handle [task that they want Sid to do] for me?”
Sid: “
Empathize: I know what you mean. It’s so hard to make time isn’t it? I remember you telling me last week how you’ve been working long nights at work and have been stretched thin.
Decline: I’m sorry, but I can’t handle [that task] for you.
Empathize Again I sure hope the pressure eases up on you soon, I know how hard you have been working these past few weeks and it seems like you always work harder than anyone else at your office. “
This example is exaggerated, but you get the idea.
This format works especially well for emails – and to help you turn down your commitments that come in via email, here’s a response template, which you can make your own.
Legend: [ Brackets ] denote optional items, while the starred* items are required.
Hi _____,
Thanks for thinking of me for ______. * (restate the exact issue for clarity)
Empathize* – I hear where you are coming from/have been there myself
Decline* – I’m sorry, but I can’t commit to ____. (state exact issue)
[Offer Others to Help] – Have you tried asking ___? Do you mind if I put you in contact with ___ who has more expertise?Empathize Again* – I understand where you are coming from
[Can Help In Future] – I can’t help this time, but perhaps I’ll be able to be of assistance in the future.Thanks,
– Sid
Defending your time does not require being careless with someone else’s feelings.
Before you can do what really matters in your life, you’ve got to reduce the things that don’t really matter to you.
This is not about turning down the important thing in your life: it’s about coming up with a kind way to defend your time.
When you use the empathy sandwich, make sure you mean it.
Put myself in their shoes and consider that even though you have your own life to live, the person who is asking for help too has a lot going on.
Empathize with them, show them that you appreciate them and where they are coming from – but be sure to defend your time when you know it’s not something you should really commit to.
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